What a freaking journey it has been managing anxiety my way. I have tried multiple modalities, sought out articles, invested time in medical appointments, and even felt sorry for myself at times. You know what? I discovered that not only can I manage it, but people don’t like that I can.
Yeah. You read that right. People expect the “old version” of me. The one where so many things were seemingly going wrong, I had zero organizational skills, and nothing made sense. That was the girl that also constantly needed to feel bad about herself because she had such “bad luck”.
It is interesting; when you start “working on yourself”, people are expecting this public display of the journey. The journey is within; and it consists of hard work and determination. During this time, I am sure I looked the same as before; surrounded by the same friends (mostly), and liked the same activities; but on the contrary, I really wasn’t the same anymore.
Time really does change people, and for the good especially if they are working hard on it. People should stop expecting others to remain the same person forever. Mindset can change, beliefs can change, and that is okay! The cool part is, I don’t care if the new version of me is preferred or not. The new version of me is something I am proud of and I worked my ass off evolving to get here.
Why are we trying to live up to others and their expectations of us? As I have navigated through adulthood thus far, I’ve realized some people count on the fact that you are a mess. Somehow it makes them feel superior, as if to say their life is better than yours; providing a confidence boost about their own circumstances. However, I don’t think living vicariously through my mess is the best way to deflect that negative energy shit. Just saying, if you feel like you have to focus on how someone else is struggling; you really should “boss up and change your life”. The discovery of this power is super cool too. If you are unhappy with any portion of your life- you can change it. If you remain in current circumstances longer than you wanted, well…do something about it!
I complained about anxiety for years. The medication wasn’t working, I had too much going on, my job wasn’t right, my friends were busy, they won’t like me, they will be angry with me, and the list goes on! It was exhausting. I was sick and tired of feeling this way. So, I decided to make a shift. I started asking questions about my health, I took bigger risks, and I did things afraid. Honestly, if I was so miserable already, what did I have to lose?
You Have To Start Somewhere…
Managing anxiety became something I knew had to be done afraid. After essentially deciding a reboot for my body was the best approach, I decided what that looked like for me. I wanted to get rid of ALL prescription drugs in my body and start with a clean slate. After prepping for the storm of withdrawals, I decided to begin. (I do not recommend you do this without the supervision of a physician.)
Afterwards, there were days that I wondered when everything would stop; all of the feelings I spent so much time avoiding. I leaned into a community that understood what my body was going through and leaned into these new modalities to help navigate my way through. Eventually, I started to feel like I could see in color.
You have to make changes if you want a different result. Take the control and the power back, reclaim that you are in charge of your life. Build your tiny army of people that will evolve with you. It is absolutely vital that we surround ourselves with those who encourage us to embrace where we are in life; whether that be good or a time of struggle.
You may be reading this thinking that you have been taking medications for a long time and there is no way around it. I was on my medication for over a decade. My path of course isn’t for everyone, but any baby step we take to overcome the beast of anxiety is a huge victory. We learn what works for us as individuals, and keep moving forward. If it doesn’t work, we try again. Managing anxiety is about embracing the “failures” as learning experiences, and making another move.
Anyone that suffers from anxiety is a badass, period. As our brains are going a million miles per hour, and predicting all of the “what if” scenarios. Experiencing the chest tightness as you begin to think about all the things. Your palms are sweating and you feel like ants are crawling all over your body. The thought of deep breathing and relaxation techniques go out the window because in that moment you feel like puking. The inability to think straight and rationalize doesn’t exist when anxiety actually strikes.
The fact that it is easier said than done, to manage that anxiety, is nothing to feel defeated over. There are days that I struggle to understand how to implement these new coping mechanisms. Often times I feel knocked down and wonder how the hell I can keep standing up again. However, there are other times when I feel proud of where I came from and how I am the only one that could decide to shift my path. Life is ever-evolving and when we accept that perfection isn’t necessary; we will evolve with it.
The journey of managing anxiety my way has consisted of one shit storm after another, discovering that I don’t always have to say “yes”, and allowing myself to process things before deciding how I feel about them. The way I manage those feelings that come up is my victory, not for the judgment of others. Although I am doing all of that fancy inner work alone, I feel like sharing my story is part of how to heal from the journey that got me here.
So, let’s get started.
