Living with anxiety is not what I chose and I sure didn’t think I would be taking multiple prescriptions medications.
I do remember all of the symptoms they brought into my life before. I was constantly questioning what was wrong with me. There was not a day that went by without something coming up; nausea, fatigue, crying, insomnia…you name it. How could the medication not be helping these things? Was it my fault?
When you are living with anxiety, you are constantly preparing for the worst. Although, I do think motherhood does inflict some of this as well, anxiety always seemed to win though. I started to believe that all of these symptoms were just part of life; I was getting older, I had children, major responsibilities with a mortgage and vehicles, and also I was dealing with grief after losing my father somewhere in the middle of it all. Life seemed like a series of unfortunate events and I stopped questioning things.
Life became very restricted. Things that I once did suddenly made me fearful and resistant. Essentially, I stopped living and I stopped feeling. Usually the not feeling part would be a lifesaver, but this took my life away.
My life before the prescription medications was a bit unpredictable and ever changing. Living with anxiety, I had been existing in a highly abusive relationship and my confidence was at an all time low. My mind struggled with body image and no matter what I did, I still hated the results. I treated my body with little respect and found it hard to nourish it; I drank a lot in my twenties before kids and claimed to drink socially after having kids. Exercise didn’t appeal to me and I hated being with my own thoughts. I was mad at the world for taking my dad too soon, he had so much more life to live and grieving was a b*tch. Everything felt so out of control.
What a freaking mess that was.
I am unsure how the transformation of “me” becoming the version I am today happened, but thank Jesus for that journey. Honestly, I think it was just me having enough. Finally saying that I would not accept this as my destiny and to start challenging things. Then, it took heaps on TIME to sort all of that shit out. Lots of time.
See, I didn’t get to where I was overnight. It took years to achieve that status of “shit show” and living with anxiety. So one can’t honestly think they can get out of that overnight. I started with small things that I knew I could change immediately, something attainable. This approach gave me the smallest spec of confidence to try something else.
I said goodbye to friends that weren’t actually friends. Then, I did something pretty big. I quit my corporate job because I was bullied to believe I was a piece of shit employee who needed to stop having opinions and do what I was told. Yeah…that one was rough. Somehow in the corporate world I was just never enough, employee retention wasn’t their strong suit. Still isn’t.
It was hard to understand why corporate jobs undervalued their employees. These employees stayed late without being asked, celebrated staff birthdays when they didn’t want to, invested their own money into work related projects, and never ate lunch. This list doesn’t even include all the donuts I ate with people who didn’t like me, to cope with the fact I hated existing in that world. I was good at my job, in fact I was exceptional. However, I had opinions, ideas, and thoughts of my own; they didn’t like that. Their loss. Money doesn’t buy happiness.
After cutting ties where I needed to, I started to prioritize my life and happiness. Shifting my mindset was something that needed loads of attention. The negative experiences I had gone through pretty much shattered any positive response I had left.
Let me tell you how freaking lucky I was to find the man of my dreams. We had been friends for years before it became official. He of course watched me go through one shitty relationship after another, patiently waiting for me to discover the way back.
Finally, I saw him and knew he had to be in my life. This man appreciated everything I was and even knew what positive qualities I had before I did. The cultural differences between us were not important to him, he was willing to let me make decisions that meant something to me. He was my safe place and made sure I felt that way every single day. So you know, we made a baby and eloped in the Florida Keys. Yes, that is technically ass backwards in the order of properly doing things…but I have learned to break the mold and be okay with it.
The moments when I hear a song and I am immediately taken back to a time in my life when nothing made sense, now I smile when I hear it instead of cringing. I love the journey I have had even though it wasn’t ideal. It made me who I am today and formed the beliefs I have about myself.
Here’s the deal, I still have bad days. They are hard, ugly, and most times I need support on those days. But – one thing I do know, I’m a badass b*tch now. I am a survivor. I am going to get up every freaking time I get kicked down. Life is ours to LIVE and I was finally able to show up for mine. There is nothing I want more than to learn to embrace every single moment as a new opportunity and memory. So, stay tuned – the plan for my recovery – to kick ass and take names whilst doing so.
X- Christina
